


The Cost of Hope

by Kairosiia



Series: The Cost of Hope [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Altered version of events, Angst, Character Deaths, Confliction, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief, I mean come on really, It's cheesy idc, Mild graphic injuries, One Shot, Regret, The Last Jedi should have put more weight on the deaths of the Resistance pilots, mild romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:13:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairosiia/pseuds/Kairosiia
Summary: “Tell me,” He choked out, knuckles turning white. “How does one destroy a monster without becoming one?"A one-shot of how one selfish decision impacted Poe's life forever.





	The Cost of Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This entire one-shot was written past midnight, motivated by my disdain that Poe didn't even acknowledge all of the deaths it took just to take out a dreadnought. No remorse whatsoever. 
> 
> Also because I made myself caffeinated chai tea, so I'm up overanalyzing things that aren't even real. Haha!
> 
> [Edit: New and improved writing as of August 27th, 2018.]

You couldn’t breathe. 

It felt as though your blood had frozen into ice, keeping you planted to the spot. You were backed against the wall, but even from there you could see the screen displaying all of the X-Wings in action, battling against the First Order’s fleet—and the glaring red markings symbolizing their destruction, one by one.

Markings with pilot numbers correlated to them. Pilots you knew. Your _friends._

General Leia was standing nearby, gazing out at the battle, head bowed in sorrow. She had vigorously attempted to order the pilots to retreat, but the head Commander of the crew had shut off connection, continuing to dive headfirst towards the First Order ship, leading the last of the pilots to their demise. 

You could feel yourself slipping into a dissociative state, blankly staring at a tile on the floor as your mind spun. You did not react when the news that the Commander had successfully taken out a dreadnought was called out. Nobody in the room had cheered. _Breathe in… Breathe out._ The General looked in your direction, worry evident in her expression.

_Stop… thinking. This is all… just a dream._

When Poe Dameron had burst into the room, uniform drenched in dirt and sweat with BB-8 on his heels, you couldn’t help but notice the air of self-satisfaction radiating off the man as he went up to General Leia. You were still flat against the wall, and doubted that he knew you were there, too caught up in the moment to notice.

Poe began arguing with Leia, a look of disbelief on his face. He had been demoted out of his Commander rank. You tuned out the rest of their conversation.

_Nearly the entire Resistance fleet… dead._

You couldn’t help it any longer. The strangled sob that escaped your throat caught Poe’s attention, and he whipped around to look at you, eyes widening. You clapped a hand to your mouth, biting down on your fingers to keep yourself from screaming. Before your knees could give out, Poe had rushed to you, holding onto your shoulders. “[F/n], are you alright?” You couldn’t look at him. Not now. 

He cupped your face with his hand, turning your head towards him. Finally, you spoke.

“…What have you done, Poe?” You whispered. “Jess… Snap… all of our friends, they’re… _gone.”_ Poe’s face froze, the realization of his actions sinking in. “[F/n], I’m—“

“We need to speak, Poe.” The General said. Poe’s grasp on you was easy to break free from, as you stepped away from him and bolted out the door. 

 

 

You weren’t a certified pilot, but you were one of the top mechanics of the Resistance. Having been taken in at the age of three by General Leia, you had grown up alongside pilots of all ages and species. You were attune to the fact that at any moment, any one of you could be killed. However, you always thought that it would happen through an accident or a worthwhile battle. Not by something that could have easily been prevented. 

 

_“What’s your name?”_

_You peered at the young girl, who was attempting to shrink herself into her shirt, having nothing else to hide behind._

_“…I’m Jessika,” The girl murmured, playing with her sleeves. She had arrived in a ship with other recruits from a nearby planet, but you had noticed that she was not with any family or friends._

_She glanced up at you curiously, her dark brown eyes meeting yours. You grinned brightly, bouncing on the balls of your bare feet._

_“That’s a really pretty name! Uhm… do you want to come see the engine I’m building?” Jessika’s eyes brightened, and she nodded. You challenged her to race you to the hangar, and she quickly warmed up to you, dashing through the hallways and nearly knocking over droids in the process, both of your heads thrown back in laughter._

 

You smiled faintly at the memory, walking through the same hallway you had all those years before. Your pace began to quicken, realizing that whatever pilots had survived would surely be in the hangar, with ships in dire need of fixing. You would go and help them; that would keep your mind grounded in the present moment. 

 

_You and Jessika were seven years old when Poe Dameron and Snap Wexley hurled themselves into your lives. The two boys were a few years older than you, both joining the Resistance in the footsteps of their parents._

_You didn’t like them at first; they were always so loud and boisterous during meals, overconfident in their piloting capabilities. Apparently they already knew how to pilot fighter jets, you had learned when they bragged about it to you. Jessika, you had come to find, had a horrid sense of humor, snorting with laughter at inappropriate jokes told by the boys._

_Jessika had started hanging out with them more, and later admitted to you that she was interested in becoming a fighter pilot, too. At first, you had been crushed; she was your mechanic buddy, always competing with each other to fix up engines and parts in record times. Jessika refused to abandon you, though; the two of you started sitting with Poe and Snap in the dining hall, and teaming up with them in your aeronautical courses. You warmed up to them soon after, when you saw how passionate they were for the Resistance, and their ambition to continue on their family legacies and bring in whatever hope they could into the galaxy._

 

You bit down on your lip, hard. Tears were threatening to spill down your cheeks, but you just gritted your teeth and forced yourself to keep whatever composure you had left together. There were pilots needing medical help, and engines to check to prevent any possible combustions. Your fast walking morphed into a run; you were still a ways from the hangar.

 

_“Psst. [F/n].”_

_You were cozied up in your sleeping bag, but grumbled incoherently to let Jessika know you were listening. She merely prodded you on the shoulder, whispering your name again. The two of you, along with some older members of the Resistance, were spending the night on Coruscant, having spent the entire day recruiting civilians to join your cause. They had brought you and Jessika along to appeal to the younger audience, and you had been pretty successful. You were sleeping in a large room along with the children that vowed to join the Resistance, all scattered about the floor, snoozing away._

_Your eyes shot open when you felt something furry graze your cheek. Jessika was leaning over you, grinning sheepishly, a small grey kitten in her hands._

_“You STOLE a cat, Jessie?!”_

_Jessika frantically shushed you. “He was in an alleyway, all alone. I think he’s a stray.” She paused for a moment. “He likes dried jerky.”_

_Your best friend gently set down the kitten, so he was curled by your neck. The little fella gazed up at you, blue eyes round and so, so cute. “[F/n], meet Montecello Jr.” Jessika scratched him behind his ear, and he began to purr. “Monty for short. And he is coming back with us, and you’re going to help me sneak him aboard.”_ …Great.

 

Almost to the hangar. You accidentally tripped over a BB unit, and you quickly apologized over your shoulder as it beeped in indignance, not slowing your pace.

 

_You didn’t begin viewing Poe Dameron in a different light until you were seventeen. You had already long since noticed Jessika’s obvious interest in Snap, and you rolled your eyes at the thought of pairing up with someone. Your passion was in the Resistance, and you loved being a vital member of the aerospace department. That was all you wanted… right?_

_Well, that was before Talisaan Lintra entered the picture. You actually liked the girl, she was very quick-witted and it didn’t take long to become friends with her. However, she had also caught the attention of Poe with her incredible piloting skills. You didn’t understand the pit in your stomach that would form each time you saw them talking with each other. You couldn’t bring yourself to dislike her, she was far too kind to you, but you did find yourself envious of the continuous praise she was given by your friend. She was a beautiful girl, with clear, glowing skin and passionate blue eyes. You had never felt self-conscious of your appearance before, but you were starting to view your own hands with distaste; scarred and calloused from constantly being elbow-deep in fixing machinery, and your hair was never in anything but a simple ponytail. You often got acne on your forehead from grease when you’d unconsciously wipe the sweat from your brow while your hands were filthy, but so did all of the other mechanics. Looks weren’t something you worried about… until now._

_You had resorted to telling yourself that you and Poe could not—_ would _not—ever be a thing. Friendships could strengthen a team, but relationships could result in divergence, or even betrayal to the Resistance._

_It wasn’t until you were celebrating Poe’s twenty-third birthday, your friends and his crew all together to celebrate the evening away. Snap had been able to smuggle in some fancy wine into the hangar, resulting in everyone loosening up with off-key song and dance._

_Everyone was gearing down for the night, having indulged in many sweets and glasses of wine. The majority of the crew had retired to their rooms, but a handful ended up sleeping about the workroom. Jessika was slouched against a toolbox, snoring. Chuckling, you had crouched down, making sure your best friend was positioned comfortably before stepping over here and walking towards Poe, who was gazing through the large, arching window of the room, admiring the hundreds of stars twinkling down. Your original plan was to sit next to him on the crate, but nerves had gotten the best of you and you resorted to standing awkwardly to his side. He looked at you, a playful albeit questioning smile on his face._

_Fishing for something in your pocket, you gently pulled out an item and beckoned Poe to put out a hand. Once he did, you placed it in his palm._

_The pendant was a thin, glass cylinder, with a small piece of Larkspur flower suspended in resin. Poe looked up at you with shock, instantly recognizing the purple plant. “How did you—“_

_“Jessie and I made a quick pit stop to your home planet on our last recruiting trip, and I uh—remember you telling me that your mother loved to pick Larkspur and display it in your home when you were younger, so I picked some.” You were babbling, but couldn’t stop. You gestured to the resin in the capsule. “Sorry about the bubbles. I didn’t really know what I was doing, heheh…” Poe was staring at you, a grin spreading across his face the longer you talked. You started walking backwards, frantically trying to think up an excuse to return to your quarters. “So uh, happy birthday, and goo—“_

_“Not so fast, lovely.” Your jaw dropped at that, and you stared dumbfounded as he clasped the necklace around his neck, securing the leather cord. He hopped off the crate, and started walking towards you, still smiling. Your backward steps were halted when your back met the window, and Poe came to loom above you, not breaking eye contact. His hair was an adorable mess, and his scent along with aftershave and engine oil was overwhelming your senses, and Force, that wine was strong—_

_“I like you, Poe,” You blurted out, freezing when you realized what you just admitted._

_His grin widened even more. “I’ve been waiting for you to admit that.”_

_He leaned his head down, and his lips met with yours._

 

You hesitated at the entrance to the hangar. Peeking through the small window in the door, you nearly cried with relief. You could see a few familiar faces, and there were medics and droids in the room assisting them. _Perhaps your friends made it… and you just misread the pilot numbers on the screen…_

As you entered, you spotted Tallie climbing into her X-Wing, preparing for take-off. You recalled hearing Leia say that the Resistance was in retreat; that the remaining pilots would be departing ahead of the ship. 

Sprinting to her, you waved your arms, grabbing her attention. You wanted just one moment to embrace her, to bless the Force upon her before departure. 

You heard the laser fire before impact. The First Order had surrounded the ship, and they were firing into the hangar.

Before the explosion, you swore you heard Poe scream out your name, but then the deafening _boom_ shook your whole body, throwing you back, and flames were the last thing you saw before you fell into darkness.

 

**_One day ago_**

_"We've been over this, [F/n]. I'm fine."_

_Poe was seated on his bed, rubbing at his temples in annoyance. You were standing a few paces back, arms crossed, looking at the pilot with concern._

_"I know you too well for you to say that-"_

_"Do you, really?"_

_Your eyes widened, looking at Poe in shock. Anger began to gnaw at your stomach, but you wanted to stay as level as possible. "Does this... have to do with the First Order, Poe?"_

_He didn't respond, continuing to stare at an invisible spot on the wall, hands clenched into fists. You knew the response before you even uttered the question, but you desperately wanted Poe to open up to you about it. You walked over and seated yourself next to him, but Poe did not react. His eyes had that intense, faraway look to them again._

_"You haven't been yourself lately, and we're worried for you," you began, placing a hand on his shoulderblade. Abruptly, Poe pushed himself off of the bed, pacing to the door._

_"I need to talk to the General," he clipped, exiting the room, leaving you in a dire sense of unease._

 

 -

 

Poe refused to leave your side in the medical unit, even when you didn’t wake up the first day. Or the third. He looked like an absolute mess; he hadn’t eaten, and barely slept. 

Your lower left leg was gone. Your skin was covered in burns, and your head was wrapped with bandages. The medical droids were already working to build you a prosthetic, which would be finished and put in place within the next five hours. Poe was holding your hand tightly, trying his best not to feel nauseated. If only he ran faster after you, he could have grabbed you and taken you to safety before the explosion. He was far back enough to only be thrown back by the explosion, but you… you were too close to Tallie’s ship. The fuel tank had exploded while you collapsed, and you had caught fire for just a few moments before a droid was able to distinguish you, but it was enough to do some very bad damage. 

Poe had awoken in the med bay, having been knocked out for a mere twenty minutes or so, but when he had gotten up and saw you, saw all of the doctors hunched over you, scrambling to get you to breathe… he thought you were dead. And it was _all. His. Fault._

At first, he didn’t notice the light squeeze of his hand. It was the second time that jolted him into action.

“[F/n]! Please, love, can you hear me?” Another small squeeze. A groan. 

“Poe…?” “Yes, I’m right here.” Poe quickly hit a button to alert the medics that you were awake before returning his attention to you. 

You let out a low sob, which tore Poe’s heart out. He stroked your hand shakily.

You lolled your head around slowly, opening your eyes a crack. Your eyes were darting everywhere, and Poe's throat closed up when he saw that the irises of your eyes were now pale and cloudy. Your heart monitor began to speed up. “Poe, I.. I can’t see anything.” Your breathing was getting too fast. A doctor had finally rushed over to you when you started to wail, uncapping a syringe of morphine. 

Tears were dripping down Poe’s face. He had never seen you in _so much pain._ And he couldn’t do anything but sit by your side. He felt _pathetic._

You relaxed after the injection, slumping back into your pillow with a sigh. The doctor checked you over quickly, before leaving to prepare for the surgery.

“I can’t see anything,” you repeated. 

Poe lowered his head. “I know.”

Giving up, you closed your eyes, feeling a tug of longing for your friends. Where were they… you couldn’t recall. Maybe Poe knew.

“Are Jessie and Snap around?” Poe stilled. 

“No. They’re…” He breathed in. “…Away on a mission.” He couldn’t do it. He noticed the tension in your shoulders release, and you laughed softly, barely a whisper of breath passing through your lips. “Jess must’ve forgotten to tell me. I’ll have to feed Monty later…” Your words were beginning to slur together, the pain-relieving drug lulling you back to sleep.

Poe laid his head by your side, listening to your breathing even out into slumber. He grabbed a fistful of the white bedsheets. All was silent, aside from the monitor and his heartbeat pulsing in his eardrums.

“Tell me,” He choked out, knuckles turning white. “How does one destroy a monster without becoming one?” You did not respond, already swept away into dreamland.

 

A single moment of hope, a minuscule victory for the Resistance. But was the cost truly worth it?


End file.
